This week has been hard. Harder than I think I ever imagined. It was a true test of my trust in God's complete sovereignty. Do I trust that He is fully in control? Do trust that His plan is for my best? How will I deal with the possible heartache? Will I choose to glorify Christ or not?
You probably all are wanting a little background on why all of this was going through my head and through my heart. Last week I went to the doctor for my early pregnancy ultrasound. Because Corbin was a little early and Silas was a premie, the doctors want to be very sure of my due date. The plan was to have multiple ultrasounds throughout the earlier parts of my pregnancy. Really, who's going to complain about that? I love seeing my sweet children before they are born, to see God's handiwork in action.
I went to my appointment, boys in tow. Well planned out, right??? They took a very long time. Kept checking and rechecking everything. Called in additional doctors to look at the ultrasound. They asked me to wait to speak with a doctor after they had time to review the reports and look over everything. There was no other information given to me at the time. The boys and I were ushered into another room and waited. And we waited some more. It seemed like an eternity, reality was more like 40 minutes, but still a very long with with two little boys. I was then told they needed to get a better look and wanted to do another ultrasound right then. So back we went. And then we were once again ushered back to the other room to wait for the doctor. Still no idea of what was going on. Finally, the doctor came in.
"We cant verify the heartbeat". "We aren't too concerned." "We'd like to re-check in a week."
I think I was in a slight state of shock. I was asked if I had any questions, I just shook my head. I didn't know what to say or feel at that very moment. I had been in that very room once before, with a friend( I won't mention her name) when she was told that her baby was no longer living. My heart broke for her, but I had no thoughts when I was possibly going through a very similar situation. I gathered the boys and left. Talked to Casey in the car, told him what was going on but that I didn't really want to talk about it right then. The boys and I were about to meet my parents for lunch. I really didn't want to show up in tears. I had texted them while I was waiting, they knew what was going on and we're praying.
This is where the hard part comes, waiting........
I had to wait for a week before they would re-check to see if the baby was alive, if there was a heartbeat. This week has been a constant test in if I really trust Christ in everything. I know that I can. I felt a great amount of peace. Surprisingly. What ever the outcome, I was going to fall at the feet of Christ.
The answer to my week of waiting.... the baby has a strong solid heartbeat. They think that my "dates" were off. I know that I kept track but I'll let them think that. We will continue on our plan of multiple ultrasounds. Casey and I were blessed to see our sweet baby this morning. Casey thinks he looks like a cashew. No, we don't know if it is a boy but Casey thinks it will be.
I am praising God and yet very overwhelmed that what the future holds. But this I know, God is faithful.