However, I have come to dread my own birthday. I used to love it. It was always an amazing and special day. I don't dread getting older, because I don't feel older. I may look older and more worn out but I still feel like I should just be 20! The years have not been so kind to me physically, but when are they when you give birth three times in less than three years. I am learning to love myself for who I am at this place in my life. It is not easy. I am by far the most judgmental of myself. My husband is sweet and loves me just the way I am. So do my little ones.
The reason I have come to dread my birthday is quite simple. Life doesn't stop for your day. You still have all the nitty-gritty aspects of being a mom and a wife. And while these things are great and I love them, sometimes you just need a day off. As a mom, I feel like I am giving of myself all day (and in the middle of the night), it doesn't end. I have started to feel less important, less special and less appreciated. Disappointment sets in easily these days. Primarily disappointment with myself but sometimes others as well. Why do I look to others for appreciation, love, importance and contentment? Why am I not more satisfied in my heart? I know the answers and I know how to work on it. I will continually be a work in progress.
So, this year on my birthday, it was no different. Disappointment abounds even when expectations are truly not there. It is something I am truly working on.
After a long day, packing in the morning, traveling in the afternoon, unpacking and baths for the boys when we arrived home and grocery shopping in the evening, Corbin reminded me of the most wonderful thing, "You are so lucky mom". I asked him why. "Because you have all of us!" He is right. I am "lucky", I am blessed to have 4 amazing men in my life everyday.
Lilys from Casey for my birthday
My birthday moved waaayyy down the totem pole almost six years ago when Jada was born four days after my birthday. I have told Dan that I at least want the kids to know that it is my birthday if for no other reason than that they realize that birthdays need to be acknowledged. So far, they have always made me cards and Dan usually brings home a cake.
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